Cohabiting: A Curse or a Blessing?

By: Angela DeHarty

Couples in the United States are now more than ever thinking about moving in with their significant other before marriage. Some feel Cohabitation is a great way to figure out if they are compatible with their partner. For others they feel it is a good way to keep their finances in check. “I don’t see what the problem is, if a couple is intending on getting married in the near future.” Lindsey Schuetz, a student at the University of Northern Iowa said. “I think it depends on the person, I know situations where people are together and it just creates a lot of problems, but I also know people who move in together and they are just fine and happy.”

Many other factors go into why couples feel cohabitation is the way to go. First there is the idea of less complicated dissolution. If the relationship doesn’t work out there is no stress of having to go through a messy divorce. People also feel that being in cohabitation leads to an increase in Intimacy. When they are able to live with their partner they are able to have a better connection, where they may not have that intimacy living apart. Moreover, living together allows the couple to spend more time together and can be a trial marriage for them. They are able to see what it would be like living together before they say “I do.” Right now in the U.S. there are over 5.1 million heterosexual couples cohabiting. Cohabiting is on a huge uphill slop from where it was in 1970 when there were only 500,000 couples in cohabited relationships. Through the generations we have seen a time where cohabitation was unheard of and frowned upon. To now in the 21st century cohabitation is a very common thing.

Having been in a relationship myself for six years the idea of moving in with my boyfriend doesn’t seem like that bad of an idea. I feel I am a very mature young adult that is ready to move onto to the next step of my relationship. Having considered marriage I keep thinking that it would be so much easier to be able to test it out before I jump into a big life decision. When I go to a clothing store I am able to try on the clothes before I buy them. When people try on shoes they most liking are going to make sure they fit first. I would like to think that this same idea would apply in relationship situations as well. Having parents that are divorced has led me to think that maybe I should test out the waters before getting married. My parents could have saved themselves a lot of stress and heartache if maybe they would have cohabitated. All of these reasons seem like good reasons to live together before marriage right? Wrong!

Unfortunately what seems to be a great idea may not be as great as it is made out to be. There are multiple reasons that should lead any person to look cohabitation in the face, and then run away as fast as possible. I like to compare cohabitation to eating at McDonalds. Only spending one dollar on a delicious double cheeseburger, filled with an amazing combination of meat, cheese and America’s favorite condiments sounds so wonderful. However, every time I decide to eat one of these so called “delicious cheeseburgers” I regret every moment after. Not only should I have saved my money for something better, but every time I am left asking why did I do that to myself. It is because of that cheeseburger that I am left unsatisfied and with a gut ache. American’s jump into cohabitation way to fast without thinking about what they are getting themselves into. People don’t realize the consequences they may face while being in a cohabited relationship.

Cohabitation has more bad factors correlated with it than good. The likelihood of it ending in divorce or a break up is seen more times than not. Cohabitants are more likely to have health problems then someone who waits. This is because a cohabitant is putting up with behaviors that when in a marriage would not be acceptable. Behaviors such as, smoking, drinking and substance abuse are all factors that lead to depression in a partner. It is also shown that women who are in a cohabitated relationship are more likely to get abused then married women. Although living with a boyfriend or girlfriend may seem like it is going to be good on the checkbook it is said that men who are in cohabited relationships tend to earn less than men who are married. While at the same time women with children in a cohabited relationship earn less than women who aren’t. If money is not a worry try looking at the infidelity rates. Couples are looking at more of a chance of being cheated on when living together before married. The University of Denver in 2009 conducted a survey on the topic of premarital cohabitation and the risk of divorce. Through their research they found the 19% of couples that had been married 10 years or less had considered divorce. Whereas couples that waited till marriage to move in together on 12% had considered divorce.

As I have found through my own research on the topic, relationships aren’t as easy to test out as buying a pair of shoes. My size 7 feet will never change, whereas who I am, and the person I am changing into is different every week. As a college student it is difficult to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. With that said, I feel I don’t have the capability of knowing whether or not my boyfriend and I are right for each other long term.

I have seen time after time even in my own family where living together before marriage is a bad idea. It is the same story every time. They meet. They fall in love. They think it is a fairy tale. Then they decide to move in together before they even know the main characteristics about the person they are moving in with. One month later they find themselves onto the next hot guy they see in the club. It is almost laughable how many times I have seen this scenario and I only live in the Midwest. As sad as it sounds, it is a mistake that is seen all across the U.S. and other countries around the world.

Although there are good and bad things about cohabitation Americans have mixed emotions on the topic. Based off of a survey from the Pew Research Center, when asked the question on if they thought more people living without being married is a good thing or a bad thing, 50% of Americans were neutral on the subject. 38% of Americans thought it was a bad idea and only 10% of Americans thought it was a good thing for society. As it is found there is a gray area on the subject.

When I sat down with a professor at UNI I asked her about her own personal thoughts on cohabitation. “When I think about what I am going to teach my own kids, I think about my morals first, it is my own belief that couples should wait till they are married, but I am old fashioned and I waited myself.” April Chatham-Carpenter, a professor at the University of Northern Iowa said. “However I would never push my beliefs on my students, so I like to teach them about the Triangular Theory of Love.” The triangular theory of love comes from the psychologist Robert Sternberg. Sternberg believes there are three parts of love, intimacy, passion, and Commitment. Passion is the part of the triangle that typically happens at the beginning of a relationship. It is the physical attraction, romance and consummation in the relationship. Intimacy makes up the next part of the triangle. It through intimacy that couples in a relationship feels closeness, connectedness, accompanied by the feeling of having good bond with their partner. Chatham-Carpenter believes that a couple that is cohabited can stay together with only two parts of this triangle. However, commitment or the third part of the triangle she feels is the most important part of having a successful relationship and eventually a healthy marriage. Nevertheless the ideal relationship will always have all three parts of the triangle.

I may think that cohabitation is a good idea for me personally. However, through the research I have found it is really important to think about all the factors of cohabitation before making the decision to do so. If you are looking into moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend give it a lot of thought. Join counseling programs such as PREPARE. You might find out that what sounded like a brilliant idea is one that will leave you right back where you started in the first place, single.